With Super Bowl XLII upon us, does anyone in New York City care?

This is the third time in my life I have lived in a city that had a team representing said city in the Super Bowl. The first time was in 2000 when the St. Louis Rams eventually went on to defeat the Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV (we do not talk about the second time), and now of course I have the New Jersey New York Giants playing this Sunday against the undefeated New England Patriots.

When I do a side by side comparison of the fanfare leading up to each respective Super Bowl, it might not even seem fair to do. One team is a legendary representative of the old NFL and has a deep respected fan base that has a waiting list for season tickets. The other team has only been in its hosting city since 1995 and this year had some local games blacked out because the fan base is so apathetic. These two facts only reinforce what I am about to say, New York is a pretty terrible sports city.

Over the last twelve days I have not once forgot the New York Giants are playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday and I have not once forgot that I live in the city of New York, but I have often forgot the two are somehow related. Seriously, I have not heard any more about this Super Bowl than I did last years that involved Chicago and Indianapolis.

In St. Louis in 2000 there were banners all over town, there were downtown pep rallies, everywhere I looked people were wearing Blue and Gold supporting the Rams. This was all for a team most people don't even particularly like. I remember companies in St. Louis had casual "wear your Rams gear to work" celebrations that lasted the whole week, I could not imagine a situation where my boss would walk into the office wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey. Honestly, in this whole city I know one person who is truly excited about the Super Bowl and he is certainly not rooting for the Giants.

Unless a person was born here and the decision for rooting interest in a football team was inherited down to them I have never understood how one goes about picking a team to root for in New York. One of my favorite trivia questions is "Name an NFL team that plays in the state of New York?" The only correct answer is the Buffalo Bills. I understand with baseball because the teams play in two completely different boroughs so there is geography that goes into rooting interest, but how does one look across the river to New Jersey and pick between one of two teams that play in the same stadium? If anyone knows please explain.

That's it, just an honest question on why this is. This is my first time living in New York City when a local team is playing in a championship game and I must say to this point I had not noticed. Maybe the real party is in East Rutherford (or Boston).

You Pick the Blog: Hangin' Tough

Today's topic on You Pick the Blog comes to us from a 'Steve P' who wrote a passionate and very well written letter about how he would like to see a full column devoted to one of his personal heroes Jonathan Knight from New Kids on the Block. Well Steve, this goes out to you.

Unfortunately I have some experience with the oldest Knight brother considering my fourteen year old girlfriend (which typing out seems surprisingly creepy to read, even though I was fifteen at the time it still seems creepy. I think it would be less creepy to admit I was dating my twenty-six year old teacher at the time but that would unfortunately be a fib) was a connoisseur of the musical styling of NKOTB, and more specifically Jonathan Knight himself who I had to often compete with for her 'Love and Affection" [Ed Note: Nelson song, not NKOTB].

Jonathan Knight was the quiet, shy, and forgotten New Kid who never sought the spotlight like his more flamboyant younger brother, and lead singer, Jordan Knight. For example let us analyze the five solo parts in their blockbuster hit song "Step by Step" off of the album of the same name (what is sad is I do not have to look any of this up):

Step One (Danny Wood): We can have lots of Fun

Step Two (Donnie Wahlberg): There's so much we can do

Step Three (Jordan Knight): It's just you and me (in an excruciating falsetto voice that just proves once again that this guy can not share the spotlight.... "I know we all have a part in this song but look at me, I am going to sing it in an unbearably high voice.")

Step Four: (Jonathan Knight): I can give you more (simple line, simple voice, simple man..... jst trying to give you more. While Jordan cared about himself, it was you Jonathan cared about.

Step Five: (Joey Mcentire): Don't you know the time has arrived

All Together: HUUUUUUH!

In college there was a lip syncing competition called Rockin' Against Multiple Sclerosis (RAMS) that I participated in. We really could not compete with the sororities who had girls that could actually dance so we went for the cheese factor and chose to do "The Right Stuff" by NKOTB (Not my idea, but it was brilliant and I later got credit for it. Why can't I parlay this technique of implementing ideas from others and getting all the accolades into my life today?)

Because I feel like Jonathan Knight and I dated the same girl in ninth grade I wanted to be him just to feel for one fleeting night (actually two because we made the finals) the power that guy felt, or at least as close as it could come in Columbia, Missouri. Alas, it was not meant to be. When the parts were divided up the next thing I knew I was wearing a backwards hat, Adidas jacket, and a white tee shirt that said "Home Boy" on it with the deeply entrenched knowledge that I could play Lt. Carwood Lipton in Band of Brothers if there was ever going to be such a mini series.

We practiced that leg kicking "The Right Stuff" dance day and night, I still know it.... seriously.... the entire dance. As noted we made the finals out of over fifty groups and eventually finished a respectable fourth place. It was soon evident though I was no Donnie Wahlberg. If only I had fought for the part of Jonathan perhaps, just perhaps, that trophy would be hoisted where it rightfully belongs and Multiple Sclerosis would be a thing of the past.

Or maybe we should have just lip synced "Cover Girl".

You Pick the Blog: I'm Taking You to the Flip Side

Today's winner for You Pick the Blog comes from Andy and his email simply stated "Kidd Video". Yikes! Yeah, this may be be the last installment (I mean how would I write an entire post about the best way to remove JuJube's from the back teeth). Wish me luck because this most likely will not be pretty, here we go:

From what I remember Kidd Video was a cartoon series that ran in the early to mid 1980's. The whole premise was this band played by real life actors were kidnapped in the opening credits by an animated Danny Devitoish looking character named "Master Blaster" who always cruised around in a little hovering chair as seen below in the clip I found on You Tube.



So the premise is once they are kidnapped they themselves have become cartoons on, what Master Blaster calls, The Flip Side. I did watch this cartoon when I was younger but I never quite understood it, I mean why kidnap some crap (though multi ethnic, proven when drummer Carla realizes she is a cartoon and says "Ay-Ay-Ay) band playing in a garage named Kidd Video when so many more worthy bands from the era were available to kidnap such as The Hooters, Slade, or Kajagoogoo? Also even if I accept the fact that of all bands this one was kidnapped and transformed into animation, I could not get over the fact that the lead singers real name was Kidd Video. This guy is probably in his 40's now, if I walked into his place of work right now would I overhear someone say "Who has the Tompkin's File?" "I think Video has it in accounting" Or at his suburban home would I hear "Ok Mr. Video, you are now set up with the finest digital picture courtesy of DirecTV" come to think of it I really doubt he has a television considering that whole "Flipside" rigmarole from the 80's, and all that happened with just five channels.

Also I hate how a lot of cartoons that feature any sort of live action origin always had to add a magical cute friend to the mix. They did this with the Punky Brewster cartoon with Glomer (whatever that thing was) and with The Real Ghostbusters and Slimer who somewhere between the feature films and the cartoon befriended The Ghostbusters and was not only kept around as a pseudo pet, but was also allowed to go on missions. Kidd Video was no different only this time it is a magical fairy named Glitter who either helped or caused destruction when she sneezed, I honestly forget which one.

So I was going to make mention of the keyboardist in the band who is named Whiz. I was all set with a quip such as "And the band featured a keyboardist that looked like he just stepped off the set of The Brady Bunch as Cousin Oliver". Guess what I found out, yep that is the same guy who played Cousin Oliver! Why is this not mentioned more often? If I was in a bar and I was taking a sip of one of my favorite beverages and someone came up to me and said "Hey, you know the kid who played Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch also played Whiz on Kidd Video" you know what would happen next? Spit take, right back in their face, I swear. I would be floored by information like that. I'm floored right now! This is up there with the time I was watching NYPD Blue when I found out the overly pierced junkie on my screen was Chad Allen. Chad Allen!

I really do not know for sure if the band ever made it back to the real world or not because they never got a proper finale so we will perhaps (most definitely) never know. I will have to throw them into the pile of other shows such as Tales of the Golden Monkey, Bring Em Back Alive, Manimal and Automan that to this day I have no idea what happened to the beloved characters. I picture them perhaps all stranded in the scrapheap of the forgotten, which is exactly where this post belongs.

You Pick the Blog: Bad Pickup Lines

If you are just joining us today this week is "You pick the Blog Week". You send me an email with your short topic, I will then select emails at random. Just like that your topic is featured on this Blog. Please keep the ideas coming because I am finding them funnier than I thought I would and will try to get to more of them than I originally intended.

Today's post comes from Elizabeth and her topic: "Dumb pickup lines your friends have used on girls in bars".

I have to be honest, sometimes I think bad pickup lines are an urban legend right up there with the Lionel Ritchie "hit the floor" story (or Eddie Murphy, or Reggie Jackson, or insert any other African American celebrity that was famous at the time the story was told. In fact if you have not heard the story I will retell it now, a little old lady was in a hotel elevator and an African American man was standing behind her. He tells her "Hit the Floor Lady" and she jumps down on the ground, "I meant the floor on the elevator" and of course realizing her mistake she was very embarrassed. Later she gets a note sent to her room "Thanks for the biggest laugh I have had in years". Signed Eddie Murphy Lionel Ritchie Lebron James.)

I always hear about pickup lines being used but I never see it in action. Of course I have been part of conversations people have had about "bad pickup lines" but I have never known anyone to use them. My single friends (male and female) seem to just get as drunk as possible then wait for someone equally as drunk to start talking to them (which was truth be told my own modus operandi). If anyone knows if bad pickup lines actually happen or if it is an urban legend as I suspect please share with actual "I saw with my own eyes" or "It happened to me" examples.

Sunday night I was at a bar watching the SAG awards (yes, in New York you can watch the SAG awards at a bar on Sunday night) and there was some joker telling a group of girls his brother was on The Sopranos and he looks just like him. Though not technically a pickup line I do not really know how this is impressive even if true, I mean was there one guy on The Sopranos that would qualify as a "hunk" (is that term still used? The last people I remember being described as a hunk were Patrick Duffy in his Dallas days, Jan Michael Vincent on Airwolf, and Jon-Erik Hexum from Voyagers! who is best known for shooting himself in the head with a gun filled with blanks which resulted in his death on the set of Cover Up. Actually that should have been his pickup line "Hi, I am the love child of Patrick Duffy and the late Jon-Erik Hexum". If I would have heard that last night.... well all I have to say is "move over ladies".)

I do have a friend that currently lives in Austin who when in town constantly introduces himself to girls, I mean right there on the street!!! To be honest he is a decent enough looking guy and I bet his strategy most likely goes over quite well in Texas, but that kind of thing obviously does not fly in New York. People do not want to be bothered when they are walking somewhere, doing that here it is the equivalent of yelling at someone next to you in traffic and trying to have a conversation with said person. Oh yeah, he did that as well. On our way to this horrible horrible nightclub, Cain, on West 27th street (he was the guest and that is where he wanted to go, this was the last time I ever adopted this attitude towards guests. Sometimes they just do not know any better and need to be stopped) around the Union Square area leaned out of our van cab at two girls in a cab next to us and inquired "Hey Ladies, where are you going tonight?" and for a split second all I could do was think Jon-Erik Hexum got off easy and wondered where was my gun loaded with blanks.

New Feature

Well lets see how this works out before we get all crazy and call it a feature. First of all let me explain why we need a new feature. These days sometimes I can get into a writing groove and bust out four or five posts of questionable quality a week. This week does not appear to be one of them. Often little things can trigger these outages of (questionable) creativity; perhaps too much alcohol (not this time), lack of time due to other external forces (nope), or perhaps humiliation that drains any aspect of confidence I may have at any given point (bingo).

I admit my elation over being mentioned in a book did at times get the better of me and my sincerest apologies to anyone that had to be around my insufferableness over the weekend. My hopes and dreams of a national tour of personal appearances at local Montgomery Ward's were quickly and justly put on hold after an encounter with one of the bartenders at our local pub. After waxing poetically about my rise to superstardom for about the sixth time that evening (I had the story down to a science, amazing what alcohol can do to one's ego) our bartender Marty stood there listening with a cocksure grin not saying a word a this point. I turn to him and say, as I already said a few times throughout the evening, "Sorry for going on, but when am I ever going to be in a book again?"

He looks at me without hesitation and replies in his Belfast Irish accent "Have you never been in the phone book before?" and walks away.

Touché.

So about the new feature, here is what we are going to do. For the next few days YOU get to pick the topics I write about. I am really not sure how this is all going to work out but I really want the topics to be at random as possible so we are going to do this in the "Be the 100th caller radio station style". So here are the rules:

Email me your topic suggestion at midwesternerinnyc@nyc.rr.com. Try to make the topics as brief as possible (if you want to tell me how much you love me and this blog, please feel free to go on as long as you so desire). If you want me to do a post on Knots Landing, just type in "Knots Landing".

Like I said, it will be as random as possible so I will be taking the 3rd, 9th and 15th email I get. Whatever those topics are the next three posts will be about said topics no matter how little I know about the subject. Also as a bonus I will pick one other topic not at random that I deem to be the best subject idea received which will run on Friday. Of course this could all (probably will) turn out to be a complete disaster but if nothing else it will fit in with 85% of the posts on this site.

Subway Slippers?

It was 15 degrees outside and 10:00PM at the 86th and Lexington subway station. Slippers? Really?



Really?

I've been published?!?!

On Tuesday Will Leitch from Deadspin released his new book God Save the Fan: How Preening Sportscasters, Athletes Who Speak in the Third Person, and the Occasional Convicted Quarterback Have Taken the Fun Out of Sports (And How We Can Get It Back) which I started eagerly skimming through during lunch yesterday. I was laughing out loud at several essays, seriously this book is pretty fantastic.......... well at least 99.6% of it is until one unfortunate portion of an essay that almost caused me to choke on my chicken gumbo soup when on page 262 I read this passage about Will meeting a fellow Cardinals fan at a bar during the 2006 NLCS:

I noticed he was wearing a Cardinals Hat.
“Hey, I’m Will”
“I’m Mike”
“You ready for this tonight?”
“No man, not at all”

And just like that Mike and I were best friends. We talked nonstop for the next forty-five minutes about every aspect of the game we were about to see. Then we veered into Cardinal history, our favorite players, the games we were there to see in
person, the heartbreakers, Willie McGee, everything. We both talked fast like we had been waiting to talk to someone about this for a while, like we were too nervous to do anything but just yammer to ease some of the stress on the synapses…………

If you had not figured it out by now............yep that's me. And it is me most likely single-handedly destroying any chance this wonderful book has to be a success. Surely any publication that is embedded with my taint has no chance, so please for the love of god do not let 1 page out of 295 let this happen. I feel I owe him at least ten book sales considering the damage I have done. Well I bought one so nine to go, anyone want to help out?

Strike that, actually 2 pages out of 295 as he describes Opening Day 2007. When the last time most of us saw each other it was a cavalcade of homoerotic man hugs celebrating a world championship that now, five months later, had become formal handshakes:

I walked in, alone, wearing my Ankiel jersey and blue Cards cap. I immediately came across my old pal Mike, who smiled, walked up to me, and shook my hand.
“Good to see you man”
“You too”
(Awkward silence)
"How are things?"
“Good, good. Cardinals won the world series, you know."
“I know, that was good”
Everyone became reacquainted, but it was all stilted, strange, confused. It didn’t help that the Cardinals fell behind early and never recovered. Around the fifth inning, after more difficult conversations, Mike walked up to me.
“So, you know, it’s weird. I’m here tonight, and I’m shaking people’s hands and making small talk like I always do and it feels entirely wrong.”
“I know, why do you think that is”
“Why? Well, Jesus, it’s kind off odd to be all formal again with people when I look at them and just think, ‘Christ, I’ve been to third base with every single one of you people.'”
I laughed, long and hard, and suggested we do a shot. We did, and then our group did, and then we were back again…………

First of all I want to point out I dropped a "C-Bomb" and a "J-Bomb" in the same sentence which is now forever in print. Ha! I have to admit that was a pretty funny moment, I am good for about one of those a year. When Will, who runs one of the most popular blogs in the land, told me at the time he thought that was a funny line it is one of the motivations that made me stop and think 'Wow, maybe I can have a popular funny blog one day as well'. Well that did not work out but at least Will is still doing well and of course April is just around the corner which will signal another start to a Cardinals baseball season and even more importantly the date I am due to say something funny again. Fortunately for us Will has a lot of funny things to say right now.

God Save the Fan: How Preening Sportscasters, Athletes Who Speak in the Third Person, and the Occasional Convicted Quarterback Have Taken the Fun Out of Sports (And How We Can Get It Back) is on sale now.

Rest in Peace Heath Ledger

I am not going to sit here and pretend I have been a fan of his work from the beginning. I was a true Heath Ledger bandwagon fan like a lot of other people when he made you fall in love with a gay cowboy. Brokeback Mountain was the first time I sat up and said to myself "this is the same guy that was in A Knight's Tale?"

I am not going to speculate on the way he died in that Soho apartment, obviously that will all come out in time. No matter what happened the guy has a two year old daughter that will never know him. Personally at this point I can not stop myself from selfishly looking ahead to this summer as I try to watch his performance of The Joker (which I was salivating over in full fanboy mode from the trailers) in The Dark Knight without thinking of the nasty trick fate played on him today.

Triumph of the Chill

My first realization of the evening as I settled into my seat at The Ohio Theatre was that I was a huge fan of their policy for not only allowing but encouraging alcohol consumption during the performance. My mirth was short lived though with my second realization that my work shirt I was wearing when untucked resembled a "clubbing shirt" (It really did, I have no idea how a seemingly normal looking shirt can make such an awful transformation) which was immediately pointed out as I attempted to blend in with a crowd of wool wearing Off Broadway theatre connoisseurs. If this was not enough to damage my ego a friend that accompanied me to the show who is actually involved in theatre and is exactly 2000 times more qualified to write theatre reviews than I am gave me the evil eye before the show started and said "Of all the people I know.......... really? You?"

Amazons and their Men presented by Clubbed Thumb is a loosely based story on a never released film by renowned director (and alleged Nazi sympathizer) Leni Riefenstahl. Like DW Griffith's Birth of a Nation her film Triumph of the Will is considered by many to be one of the influential and landmark films of the 20th century. Also of note is the controversy that surrounds it. Like Griffth's film that is blatantly racist, Riefenstahl's film is nothing more than a Nazi propaganda film that documents the Nazi Party Congress in Nuremberg.

In Amazons and their Men Riefenstahl's name is never mentioned, instead her character is simply referred to as The Frau. Every character is played a bit over the top which causes Rebecca Wisocky's portrayal of The Frau to come across a little less like Riefenstahl and a little more like Miss Kraus from Benson. Not to say that is necessarily a bad thing considering the serious overtones of the subject matter as The Frau attempts to direct a film about Greek mythology when one of her stars is a Jew and another is a gypsy, who also both happen to be gay and in love with each other. Three traits which were obviously not highly regarded by the Nazi government.

Brian Sgambati plays the Jewish lean in The Frau's film whose character is simply known as The Man when not portraying Achilles. I could not help but compare Sgambatti's acting voice to that of Saturday Night Live alum Chris Parnell. Again, this is due to the characters being played over the top but when I closed my eyes I could completely picture Dr. Spaceman which for me was quite enjoyable but for other it certainly may not be. In fact the over the top acting which I found enjoyable in the individual characters may be the downfall of the play as a whole, along with the unnecessary and sometimes distracting amount of story voice over (there is a reason it was removed from Blade Runner), with its built in fascinating subject matter.

(Speaking of distracting, and this has nothing to do with the play or the actors but in the middle of a pivotal intimate scene a cell phone started to ring. It took a noticeably perturbed audience out of the moment and unlike a movie where the actors can not hear you it was very clear that it distracted them as well causing an awkward pause during a line. What is worse the person still did not turn their phone off and it rang again fifteen minutes later. I am still floored by the level of rudeness.)

With the running time of under 80 minutes I never found my thoughts drifting elsewhere and for those who like the mildly avant-garde mixed in with a loose history lesson this show should resonate. Of course for me it resonated about as much as a good episode of Benson (good meaning before Benson became Lieutenant Governor and Miss Kraus became nice) not to say that is necessarily a bad thing.

Rooting for the Steroid Guy?

At a press conference this past Wednesday at Busch Stadium the St. Louis Cardinals new third baseman Troy Glaus was introduced to the St. Louis media. I, like other Cardinals fans I have spoken to, do not really know how to react to his addition to the team. This has little I believe to do with the departure of popular former third baseman Scott Rolen who Glaus was traded for, every Cardinals fan knew his leaving was just a matter of time considering Rolen and Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa absolutely despise each other. So much in fact that it would surprise no one if the two of them squared off in an exhibition before the next Mixed Martial Arts championship bout that would certainly rival the intensity of a Snake Eyes versus Storm Shadow fight. In other words, I will miss Rolen but unfortunately one of them had to go. On the surface it is nice the Cardinals got a quality player in return considering what a bad situation this was but I do think the hesitation in reaction by the fans to the arrival of Troy Glaus has an enormous amount to do with the realization that the Cardinals just traded for a “steroid guy”.

For those not familiar with St. Louis Cardinals fans the best way to describe them is to take the perhaps more familiar Red Sox fan base and relocate them from the Northeast to the Midwest. Send them to reeducation camps to purge all of the anger and hostility from their conscious, and while the reeducators are at it perhaps teach them the art of being humble (by the way, was their rage removed yet? No? Oh .... Just kidding New Englanders….. really, you guys are my favorites. You have really taken the recent success of your local sports teams in stride with no shred of cockiness. Go Patriots). Also because these people now live in the Midwest there is nothing else to do except live, breath, and eat Cardinals Baseball to the point you almost consider the players who wear the 'birds on the bat' a member of the family. When a player has his first at bat as a Cardinal at home the typical reaction is a standing ovation for the player no matter what the result is of his at bat. Just ask Will Clark or Larry Walker (who struck out in his first at bat and continued to get applause) who were not the most popular of players in St. Louis before they were traded and became ‘family’. Even Ron Gant got the welcome treatment before he decided he could not hit anymore.

Sports Illustrated released a report that Troy Glaus received shipments of steroids approximately around 2004 which was also published in the Mitchell Report last month. This marks the first time Cardinals fans really have to deal with this situation and I for one am confused about how I will react to him as our cleanup hitter. Now I know what you are thinking; what about Mark McGwire? McGwire was long retired by the time he did not want to talk about the past in front of a congressional hearing so no one had to decide if they wanted to cheer or not during his next at bat. But wait what about Rick Ankiel? Ankiel is like that member of the family who has had so many problems and setbacks in his life that even though he has done very little to bring pride to the family name….. he is still a member of your family, always has been and gosh darn it all you love him anyway.

Now this brings us back to Troy Glaus. The best way I can describe how I feel about him is if my sister (if I had one) came home one day with her new fiancé who seemed like a nice guy until at dinner when she openly discussed his rap sheet. How am I supposed to react to that? I realize Troy Glaus is not a polarizing figure like Barry Bonds but if Bonds winds up signing with a team this off-season will that fan base automatically put aside their disdain for the man and root for him because he is on their team. To a point I suppose but will they feel good about themselves doing it? I doubt it.

So the questions remain, will Glaus get the welcome wagon treatment on opening day that so many other first time Cardinals have received over the years? Am I supposed to be happy if he does well but not that well? Or is he already a "steroid guy" so let him juice up, not worry about it and watch him hit some dingers. He seems to come preloaded with enough baggage that he pretty much has to hit about 30 home runs next year, any less and he is not effective protection for Pujols and any more you have to wonder what miracle drug he is injecting this year and becomes difficult to root because unfortunately I like players on my team to be the good guys and not considered cheaters. Where have you gone Tom Brunansky a (Cardinals) nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Knowing Cardinals fans I would have to say he will receive a tepid version of the welcome, but receive it nonetheless. I suppose this is the sports world we live in now and this kind of situation will become ever more common. The question is whether he will be invited over for Sunday dinner as a member of the 'family' even though he has shown up with this rap sheet, I suppose it depends on how good the gravy is that he promised to bring. Here is hoping 'the gravy' he brings to the table is good, just not that good.

Did Destro give the Eulogy?

Today is a sad day for me, the voice of my childhood is dead. Christopher Latta, the man responsible for the voice of Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe cartoon series and also the voice of Starscream from the Transformers cartoon has passed away . Here is the thing though........ he died June 12th, 1994 and yet I am just now upset. I mean, I just found out and to me he died today. How was this not major news 14 years ago? (Side note, if you have time do a little research on this guy, it seems drug use played a role in his death. I mean major drug use, this guy was basically the John Belushi of voice over cartoon actors which somehow makes the characters he voiced even seem more bad ass [Ed Note: this website does not condone the abuse of drugs] then they were before)

You know how some people think a celebrity is dead (Abe Vigoda seems to be a popular choice) and are surprised when they find out said celebrity (Abe Vigoda) is still very much alive? What I have a history of doing seems to be the exact opposite. In 2001 I remember thinking to myself "Hey, I haven't seen Vic Tayback in anything recently. He was so good as Mel Sharples in Alice, I wonder why he hasn't been in anything recently other than those A1 steak sauce commercials. You would think he could at least play someones dad on Inside Schwartz" (Come to think of it, Breckin Meyer is still alive right?). To my horror a quick Internet search informed me that the man who played Mel Sharples died in 1990!!!! So yes, 11 years after Mr. Tayback's death a young Missouri twentysomething's day was ruined because of this senseless death (OK I suppose there is some sense to a heart attack death, over years arteries do clog) 11 years before.

I think from now on if I have not seen or heard from a beloved (yes Vic Taback was beloved) actor in a good amount of time I will refrain from the Internet search that always seems intent on ruining my day and just assume that said actor is living on a farm somewhere upstate with lots of room to run and play and dig.

Well Godspeed Mr. Latta, tomorrow is another day but your voice will be missed (for the last 14 years apparently). Though I can take comfort knowing that one of my favorites Mr. Henry Rush himself Ted Knight is still somewhere kicking it, right? Right!?!?!?

A pill said to do it

Two things today. First of all having the flu is just awful.... really just awful. A couple of funny things though, right smack in the epicenter of my illness I wrote a post about my thoughts about Hillary Clinton, at this point I could not put a coherent verbal sentence together but commenter Nick made this observation... and remember I wrote this with a 102 degree fever:

"I usually find your blog thoughtless and pointless (in a good way, of course...), but this was the first time I sat back and said, "Wow...good point!"

Ha! I really do not know what to think about that, maybe I should only write when I am near death. Secondly in that same post I was trying to write a sentence in respect to Hillary that at times she seems so driven by polling it seems she would change her stance on any subject if said polling instructed her to do so. Instead this is what was written:

"at times seems so driven by polling it seems she would do anything to get a vote of a pill said to do it"

Come on, not one person out there called me out on that? What possibly could that mean? I can not help but picture someone at their computer at work after reading that sentence nodding slowly as he murmurs to himself "Well said Midwesterner, it is about time someone discussed the vote of a pill. Well played."

The other thing I wanted to bring up; has anyone tried Coke Zero? Pretty amazing beverage. It tastes just like original Coke only with no calories. What I was wondering is why it is not called Diet Coke, well after a little research it turns out to be a somewhat fascinating story.

Back in the 1980's right before Coca Cola was set to change its formula to the failed "New Coke" it released Diet Coke. Here is the thing, Diet Coke was based on the New Coke formula only with artificial sweetener instead of sugar. That is correct, Diet Coke is the infamous "New Coke" formula still to this day. Coke Zero is the first time that the original Coca-Cola formula has been used in a diet soft drink, so in other words Coke Zero is original Coca-Cola Classic only with artificial sweetener and Diet Coke is the "New Coke" formula with artificial sweetener and because so many people would freak out if the taste of Diet Coke changed the product was called Coke Zero. Yes, these are the types of things one reads when they are sick with the flu.

I have discovered the secret on how to detox from all the bad food and alcohol consumed over the holidays

Contract the flu.

The reason why I would never vote for Hillary Clinton comes down to one number: 28

You have to be living in a cave to not know that the word of the political season is "change". Hillary seems nice enough at times (also at times seems so driven by polling it seems she would do anything to get a vote of a pill said to do it, in fact to the point she almost fired her campaign staff in anticipation of her double digit loss win in New Hampshire).

Well if change is the movement of the day how can anyone vote for Hillary Clinton? Let me explain. If Hillary Clinton wins the nomination and goes on to be a two term President this would mean a Bush or a Clinton would have been in the White House for 28 straight years. Now explain to me how that is "change".

Take it another step actually with including the 8 years George H.W. Bush was Vice President and this would mean a Bush or Clinton would be an elected member of the Executive Branch of the United States government since 1981!!!!! This is about 15% of the entire time this country has existed. If someone was born in January of 1981 and Hillary serves two terms they will be pushing 40 years old by the time they experience an executive branch without a Bush or a Clinton as a member and there just seems to be something quite wrong with that prospect. Again, nothing against her really, but I am starting to feel like we live in a monarchy controlled by two families.

The Restaurant "Chip In"

I realize this has been discussed in other forums before but I strongly believe this should be readdressed every few months, yes it is that important. The subject of course is the dinning experience where everyone is instructed to “chip in” the same static amount regardless of what each patron had ordered. I will attempt to take an unbiased look at this phenomena (I am not unbiased) and discuss the pros and cons of said philosophy and possibly discuss some new rules.

The biggest pro is that it is easy. Here is the bill, add the tip, and then divide it by number of diners and presto you have what everyone owes. Fair and equal for everyone………… just like Communism.

Unfortunately here is what happens in most of these situations. In the United States people make a wide range of different salaries, yet the bonds of friendship still bring people from the wide ranges of salaries together…… to eat together at restaurants….. and perhaps drink. During the meal the members of the higher salary bracket do not think twice about ordering anything off of the menu or look at the price tag of the scotch they may perhaps be drinking. The members of the lower salary class pay attention to the price of each and every morsel they order, as illustrated by the bottle of Budweiser Light present in front of their bowl of soup and or salad.

Here is the ironic part though; the people that ordered the most food and had the most elaborate drinks are usually the same people nice enough to calculate the arithmetic on the bill letting each and every person know how much they owe in equal portions. See it is usually these people who get to make the laws of the table to which one must comply or get branded as “cheap” when in fact the ones making the rules always seem to get the better of the deal. In other words “Help me pay for my food and drinks that I consumed or you are cheap”. Seems fair.

There really need to be new rules set forth. For example, yours truly was at a bar one night (stop the press) and I was asked if I wanted to go to dinner to which I replied I had already eaten so the answer was no, I was just going to stay where I was. I am then told the group would meet me where I was……. whatever. Of course they show up, and all eat and all drink. Like I said earlier I was not hungry and as far as I was concerned was just minding my own business for the evening watching a baseball game when the next thing I knew I was surrounded by revelers. In the time I was there I spent a grand total of $15.00. When the bill came I threw in $20.00, which if we are keeping score is a 25% tip. I was promptly told that a 25% tip was not good enough and I was expected to leave a 300% tip for a grand total of $45.00. When I objected I was accused of being cheap by the mathematicians, and not in a playful manor, I believe ‘condescending’ would be the appropriate term. Who in fact a week before in the exact same situation only reversed contributed not even enough money to cover the drink and left, explain to me why I did not ask for 33% of the bill in that situation. My point is these ‘rules’ seem to come and go when the beneficiary changes.

Look, when everyone is eating and everyone is drinking I get it to a point. If a smorgasbord of food is ordered and everyone is eating off of every plate there is no better way to handle the situation other than dividing up the bill equally, as long as everyone was drinking as well. Other than banning the practice all together, which would be impossible, I instead offer this following rule.

The bill can be divided up equally if:

• There are five or more people at dinner
• Everyone showed up at approximately the same time
• Everyone ordered food
• Everyone consumed alcoholic beverages
  
  So yes, if you agree to show up to a dinner and you eat food and you drink alcoholic beverages then yeah, unfortunately you are in for the divide up if it is suggested. It may not be fair but if you know people in your life who order expensive food then expect you to pay for it I would suggest you stop eating with said people. On the other side of the coin, if there is someone at the table not drinking, or did not have anything to eat it is common sense to assume THEY DO NOT OWE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES. And for the people that think they do, I would argue you need to take a hard look in the dictionary at the definition of the word “cheap”.

Applause on the Subway platform

Yesterday, after work, I entered a very crowded 51st and Lexington train station to find the 6 train was running on one of those “due to an earlier incident” type schedules. It was one of those times that as I am waiting, I'm not even looking for the next train but hoping that the train after the next one will have room for another human.

The next train did, eventually, arrive and I did not even try to board. But the sight of no reasonable room did not stop the joker in front of me from plowing his way on as half the car yelled at him, "there's no room!" It was comical in the fact that the first time the door tried to close, the only part of him that was inside the train was an arm and the toes of his shoes. So, instead of stepping off like any other normal person would, he just pushed harder until he was approximately 80% of the way in.

If you are not from New York, the thing is the subway will not move unless all the doors are completely shut. When they will not completely shut the door that does not shut will continue to reopen and close until it succeeds as a “ding dong” sound is played over the speaker. Well, in this situation, the back of this mans coat continued to get caught in the door. After five repetitions of doors reopening and closing, the train was still stopped in the station for only this reason. Keep in mind, I am surrounded by a large angry mob because the trains are already so behind schedule and the next train can not pull in until this one departs (obviously).

So, as this one train door opens again I calmly say, "excuse me," to the woman in front of me, walk up to the back of this mans coat and I use my index finger to push his coat inside the train to the point I am poking this man in the small of his back. As the door closes I remove my finger at precisely the right moment when the coat will not jettison back out while also allowing my finger to escape without impeding the closure of the door or losing a glove. Success on the first try!

What happened next might be one of my favorite things to ever happen since I moved here and certainly my favorite moment in the subways: there was laughter and applause. Honestly, everyone that witnessed this was laughing and applauding me and when I turned around to face them I actually took a bow and the applause surged. Now, this lasted for about a grand total of ten seconds. But, if there is a tougher crowd to please than angry New York City subway riders during the evening winter rush hour, I would like someone to tell me.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

First of all it never really hit me how long it had been since I stepped foot in a Midwestern state; a full year. Of course I was immediately reminded of the fact I came within one week of having a Missouri free year for the first time in my life by my mother when I was considering staying in New York for the holidays. I quickly pointed out I was in town for a friends 30th birthday party in the spring but was hastily rebutted with a stern “That was 2006!” Indeed it was.

So this has really nothing to do with the actual goings on of my Midwestern holiday vacation but it will focus more on the ludicrous way in which we traveled. My father was nice enough to pay for our flights as a Christmas present, I offer this in full disclosure that yes indeed I am about ready to complain about travel arraignments that were entirely paid for by someone else (which I do appreciate but I think he used expiring airline rewards points so I do not feel as guilty complaining about it).

New York to St. Louis is a two hour and fifteen minute flight direct, keep this in mind. Imagine my surprise when my father emailed our itinerary which showed our departing flight taking off from an airport called MAC. Which lead me to my next question; what or where is MAC? Well after some research it seems MAC stands for Macarthur Airport which is in a town called Islip that is on the eastern part of Long Island approximately 60 miles from where I live.

Just to get to this airport requires an hour and a half train ride on the Long Island Rail Road which winds up being quite confusing because you would assume that one would take the train to Islip (considering this is the city the airport is in); but that assumption would be wrong. One ticket to Ronkonkoma please. It is quite depressing to be two hours into a journey (almost the time of a direct flight) and actually be 60 miles farther away from final destination.

After an hour delay of our flight we were on our way………… to Baltimore. Sigh. I am not making this up, we could have left our apartment later in the day than we did and just taken a bus to Baltimore for $5.00 more than we paid on the LIRR and caught our direct flight out of BWI. Regardless by the time we landed in St. Louis it was 6pm Central Time, we left our apartment at 9:15am Eastern Time. That is almost 10 hours of traveling to go 990 miles. With that amount of travel time we should have either driven or been in Germany.

Quick side note, once we landed in St. Louis I was in no mood for shenanigans and considering our ride had been waiting for an hour because of our delay we needed to get our bags as soon as possible. I set up camp right where the bags came out to be deposited on to the carousel for maximum time efficiency. Some woman (who looking back I am not even convinced she was on a flight, I think she comes to the airport for entertainment) was holding a small child explaining to him (her?) that each time a bag came out it was because of magic. OK fair enough, but every time a bag came out (and there were a lot) she tried to drive home her point by saying in a very high pitched voice “POOF!” Here is what I heard over the next five minutes:

POOF! POOF!
POOF!
POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!

POOF! POOF!
POOF!
POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!
POOF!

(then a 30 second delay………………..wait for it……….)

POOF!

Finally I lost it and complained to another lady standing next to me “My god, I can not deal with this woman any longer…… have you in your life ever experienced anything more annoying?” As I gave up and walked to the other end of the carousel with now slightly fainter poof’s in the background I noticed the lady I was complaining to had a full dress military uniform on, probably just returning from Iraq for Christmas. So in my question to her of “have you in your life ever experienced anything more annoying?” my guess would be yes…….. yes she has.

(another side note, as I am typing this it is my first day back at work in 10 days and I was eating a sandwich but forgot to get a napkin. I opened up a drawer at my desk and found an unused Subway napkin from two weeks ago that I kept at the time thinking I might need it in the future…. So for that I say thank you 2007 Mike.)

One final note. There were three legs to this trip. New York, St. Louis (with the stop in Baltimore), and Washington D.C (with a stop in Chicago). We decided to save some money (this part of the trip was not part of our free Christmas package) on the last leg from D.C. back to New York and take the Chinatown buses. First of all the price one way is $20. I mean, it is basically free and I had taken them once before to D.C. for a Springsteen concert in November and had no problems. Well there was really no problem this time either until halfway through the ride someone takes a massive dump in the bathroom that stinks up the entire bus for the duration of the trip. Honestly, who takes a growler on a bus? I am not certain, and it could have been a hallucination from the traveling, but as the stinky turd was expunged from the offenders colon I could swore I heard someone say “POOF!”