Thursday, January 4, 2007

Dear Apartment 4A

I wrote this a few weeks ago and posted to a rants section on Craigslist. After another beating on the floorboard last night I will repost with love:

Dear 4A,

After months of letters, visits, and repeated banging on the ceiling from you; all in protest of me having the audacity of walking to my bathroom, folding socks, and any other activity that involves me walking in or past my living room. This has now crossed a line I thought no one dare cross - - - - - you made the new cleaning lady cry. Well played 4A, well played.

Too many innocents have already been harmed by this so I will make the necessary changes to make sure your live a life of peace and tranquility in the quiet oasis of New York City. It’s not fair to you, people obviously live in New York to escape the noise and enjoy the natural sounds that the good Lord intended. It is simply not fair that I ruin this by walking on the floor above you.

You have complained when I vacuumed at night. So I hired a cleaning lady (who you made cry) to vacuum earlier in the day. Again, a complaint. So I will take the next step and never vacuum again. Of course the roach problem that will manifest itself in our apartments might lead to health code violations. But really, that is a small price to pay right?

The main issue, of course, is that that the construction of my floor (your ceiling) seems to be thin. And it appears this is not the fault of the building management or you for buying an apartment not on the top floor. It, of course, is my fault for letting the spin of the earth create a gravitational pull on my body that creates force when a step is taken on a surface. The area rug I have purchased, in order to alleviate the sound of the force of my step that the gravitational pull on my body so embarrassingly creates did not have the desired effects. So instead of you taking the next step, and inquiring in to the purchase of a ceiling insulator, it is still my responsibility to make sure your life is tranquil. So from now on I will never take a step in my apartment again. Now I know this may sound unrealistic, but it is quite simple. I have installed catheters on my bed; so all of my excrement is immediately jettisoned to a plastic bag under the bed (crossing my fingers it does not leak through the floor) without ever having to take a step toward the bathroom which insures your comfort. For the times I do have to leave my bed, such as go to work, I have purchased a hoverboard which never makes contact with the ground. You may have seen these in the 1990 motion picture Back to the Future Part II.

I hope these steps I have taken allow you to live out your final days at 4A in the peace in quiet that every other New Yorker has and takes for granted.

Always Yours,

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